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Strange Article - No silly jokes! by Rantanplan83
One day I found this strange mail from a friend of mine in my mailbox.
I liked it, and asked him, if we could take this for our zine. He said yes, so here we are.
This is a more or less good translation, because the original is in German, and can be viewed here:
Fremd Artikel - Keine blöden Witze! von Rantanplan83
Hello philet0ast3r! For I had nothing special to do today, and there's no good liquor in the house,
I thought: Now you do some real bullshit, just for some change! And because I don't like those silly
Americans (97,85% of them) I sent this little declaration to the German embassy in USA, with the
request, to translate this text into Englisch [note of the translator: ;], and to order stupid Clinton
to declare this great writing as valid (I just said I am the official emperor of England, very clever,
isn't it? They sure believe me!!). I hope CIA won't visit me soon. Well, god save the queen!
> To all citizens of the united states of America.
> In the light of your failure, to elect a president, and thus governing yourself,
> I announce herewith the recall of your independence
> with immediate effect.
> Your majesty queen Elisabeth II. will retake her monarch duties
> in all states, communities and other teritories.
> Except for Utah, which she doesn't like. Your new premierminister (Rt. Hon. Tony
> Blair MP, for the 97,85 percent of you, who until now didn't know of the existance of
> a world outside of your borders) will without further
> elections announce a minister for America. The congress will be dissolved.
> Next year, a questionnaire will be sent on to you to find out,
> if someone has realized this.
> As help in the change to the status of a dependant teritory of the
> British crown, the following rules are valid with immediate efect:
> 1. You should look up the word "recall" in Oxford-dictionary. Then
> the word "aluminium". Check the pronunciation rules. You will be astonished.
> In general, you should bring your vocabulary to an appropriate level.
> Look up "vocabulary". Always using the same 27 words, uninterrupted
> by fillupwords like "well" and "isn't it", is an untakeable,
> unefficient form of communication.
> 2. US-American as language doesn't exist. We will Microsoft put
> to knowledge to this.
> 3. You should learn, distinguishing the English and the Australian
> accent. It is not that difficult.
> 4. Hollywood is asked, to take English actors as the good ones
> from time to time.
> 5. You should relearn your original national hymn "god save the queen",
> but only after fulfilling task one. We don't want you to get into
> a mess, or even stop in the middle of it.
> 6. You should declare war to Quebec and France, with nuclear weapons,
> if they merde you. The 97,85 percent of you, that didn't know of a world
> outside of your borders, should be happy.
> The Russians were not bad. "Merde" is French for shit.
> 7. The 4. of July is no more a holiday.The new national holiday is the 8.
> of November, but only in England. It is called "day of the undecided".
> 8. All American cars are herewith forbidden. They are shit and because
> of that, that is good for you. If we will show you German cars, you
> will know, what we think of.
> 9. Please tell us, who has murdered JFK. It drives us crazy.
> Thanks for your understanding,
> the official emperor of England